Divorce

Like many families, separation occurs which typically is very painful and not positively talked about. In some cases divorce is necessary, but in some cases I feel like it is a lack of communication. In my own experience, communication can be difficult and sometimes, if done wrong, can make things worse. I have communicated in the wrong way and in the right way before. When I communicated in the wrong way, I often used the words "you" instead of the words "I feel". The difference is simple, but important. When I communicated right, I would often express what I felt the other person is doing and how it made me feel without accusing them of any actions that may have been theirs. Although sometimes miscommunication is the main reason for divorce. Other reasons could be abuse or a thought of incompatibility. divorce can happen in many ways, but can also be prevented in many ways. A couple could go to couples therapy or research better ways to communicate. There are many ways to deal with divorce, but it takes time forgiveness, and vulnerability.

Parents

There are many types of parenting and several ways in which parents instruct and protect their children. There are three types that are overall encompassing of how parents parent. One way is called dictator style. This style is a forceful style with many rules and harsh consequences. There is not much affection in this type of parenting, but there is still love. The second style is called permissive. This style is very much the opposite of the dictator parenting style. This way of parenting offers a life without rules. The parents feel that if they let their children do what they want, they will figure out how to act and do the best things eventually. These parents just want to please their children. The last style is called active parenting style. This style is in the middle of permissive and authoritarian styles. This style has rules, but has freedom within those rules. These parents show the children they care but have rules to keep them from harm. It is said that the most effective parenting style is the active parenting style. I was lucky to have grown up with this type of parenting style. My parents did have rules, but they were rules for my safety. I knew they were rules for my safety because my parents would always explain why they made these rules. In authoritarian style the parents did not explain much of why they had the rules, they just enforce them. My parents also showed me they loved me because they would show it to me. They were my friends, but also my parents, and I knew that. In the permissive style, the parents want their children to be their best friends and try to please their children by letting them do whatever they want. To this day, I am grateful for my parents active role in my life and how they raised me. They were not perfect, but they were always trying to be better.

Working Together

There are many different reasons for divorce, but a very common one is poor financing skills. Why would this be a hardship between a married couple? To be able to control spending too much money, there needs to be rules of how to use the money that was given to that family. A story that was told in our class was of a couple that early in their marriage. The wife assumed that the husband knew what he was doing with the earned money and never bothered to ask him about it. The husband, because he loved his wife, took her out to dinner often and bought her many things. After a while and a discussion of how he managed to do all of these things, they realized they were in deep debt. This couple was suffering because of a simple misunderstanding on how to take care of the money they had. There are many ways to avoid such a traumatic experience. One way to avoid this is to discuss the issue before the couple become husband and wife. By addressing this issue they can prepare before the act of putting their lives together. Another way to avoid this is to make a budget together as a couple and stick to it. By knowing how much spending money they have, they are able to know when to buy essential things and when they are able to buy not as important things. Through these two suggestions of how to take care of the money, we can see that in both example the couple is working together. Through that the couple can also grow in respect and love for each other as they work to make each other's life more pleasant.

Communicating

This week I have learned a couple things I found was pretty important. One is that I am not a very successful communicator and two is that it can be very difficult to do so. A few steps I felt were the most important in successful communication is not pointing fingers or attacking the person you are trying to communicate with, to not just compromise but to consensus, and to be understanding of the other's wants and needs as well. I am sure everyone has had those arguments that seem like they are going no where but in circles. I have been in plenty of those. The language that usually accompanies this sort of argument is something like, "You are so selfish!" or, "You never listen and are lazy!" First off, nobody wants to be told they are a terrible person even if it is true or not. When someone tells me things like that, I immediately become defensive and unwilling to solve anything with that person especially if they think that about me. I once was asking my sister advice on what to say when I bring up a touchy subject with some roommates. She taught me the idea of not having the person who is being discussed the problem to to be the bad guy. by doing this we could blame the problem on the situation rather than the person. We should also begin with our own feelings rather than just blaming the other of accusations. Language that would be in this sort of argument would be, "I feel stressed about the budget can we talk about it?" or "I felt like you were frustrated today, is there something bothering you?" She also pointed out that I could ask my roommate how we could fix the problem or make it more doable. By doing this we are trying find ways in which both of us are pleased with the final decision and both get what we want. Comparing consensus to compromising it like comparing a win-win situation to a lose-lose situation. When compromising each person gives up part of their dream to accommodate the other. Doing this, both people don't get what they want. When in consensus, both try to accomplish both person's dream best they can. Doing this I feel like provides respect for each other's wishes. It is also understanding the other's wants and needs. When each person is concentrated on the other's needs each will be met. This also provides the true love the Savior talks about when He talks about serving others. As we focus on other's needs and desires we will love them even more. Although doing these things, I learned, is not very easy it becomes easier over time and with help and practice. Doing this helps relationships become stronger and last forever in love.

Love is an open door!

Often times we base our first impressions of those that we meet on who that person is in that moment. Because of that impression we might frame everything that they do with that impression without considering a change. In a conversation we had in our class discussion one time, we talked about how we could come into someone's or a family's life when they are going through a hard time or even a good or successful time. One time in my life I met someone that I did not have that great of an impression of. I judged them from that time in their life when I really did not know that person. After I got to know them, I would hear of what they are going through or anything that was making them act the way they are acting. I learned that instead of judging so harshly at first, always give people a first positive impression. From that we can love that person already and can even be of assistance in their time of need. In the New Testament, Matthew 18: 21-22 Jesus tells Peter that we should forgive everybody not just seven times, but seventy times seven. Jesus is telling us to forgive everyone no matter what. I feel like that can apply to first impressions. We need to give the benefit of the doubt and not judge but love. Through that we can even forgive them easier if they hurt us in any way. If we love the person and had respect for them, we would not want to hurt them. We need to be understanding of everyone because we never know what they are going through in their life and what challenges God has given them to mold them into the person they can become.

Wove

In the Doctrine and Covenants chapter 42 verse 22 it explains what a relationship between a husband and wife should be like by saying, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." In that scripture, it gives us one of the key components to having a successful marriage. How would a couple stay together by cleaving unto one another? A relationship can be very delicate and sensitive. It needs nourishing and it needs dedication. In many cases as we studied this concept in our class, it was talked about setting boundaries. Boundaries may include avoiding being alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex that is not your spouse or not sharing personal aspirations and desires to someone that is not your spouse. Although these things seem harmless and not important, in all truth, it could be a destroying factor in a relationship. When one shared desires and aspirations, it brings those people closer together. I know even when I simply share desire and aspirations to my roommates I feel that we become closer as friends. Through that experience two people can feel close and intimate even if they are not married just through the sharing of these personal desires. To stay close to one another, avoid being being alone with the opposite sex and to strengthen your relationship by sharing desires and aspirations with your spouse.

The Real Deal

Growing up I imagined that marriage was a beautiful beginning to a fairy tale life that included being with the love of my life in a model home with a some perfectly sweet children. As I grew up though, I realized how wrong that really was. Although in some ways that dream can be some what accomplished, it is through great sacrifice, self control, and work. Complete work and effort. My beginning thoughts of marriage did not include the harsh truths of life. Life is hard, but I had often found that those things I find hard bring the most pleasure to me once finished. those things I put so much effort into end up being what I treasure most and what I gained a copious amount of knowledge from. In marriage I feel sometimes people feel that they can just live their same lives, but with another person. There was a time In my family that some of us started to move out of the house or get married. As this happened, I realized that my family wasn't as close as they were in previous years. this bothered me. As I thought about it more, I realized what we had been doing wrong. My family had been putting the same effort of communication then as we did in the past. Because of the distance, for our family to stay closer, we needed to try even harder to stay in contact. After we realized this we told each other that we would try to call and text each other more often. It is hard to have major addition or even loss in your life and not have to change your way of living at least a little. I learned that in my future marriage, I will have to change some ways I live to make the marriage be successful. I am sure that as I do that, it will become very precious to me. Knowing that helps me to prepare and to look forward to such beautiful time.

Love

What is love? Love is defined by so many different people in so many different ways. How can we know what love really means to a person? Their definition of love can be completely different to what your view on love is. Of all of these definitions of love though, how can we know when it is true, undeniable, and unmistakable love? In the book we are reading for class, Marriage and Family 8th Edition it talks about the different ways people think and act when they say they are in love. One way they explained being in love is when you would do anything for that person, you want to get to know them more, you want to spend all of your time with them and you feel comfortable around them. I have never been in love, but as I read this I was reminded about my own parents and siblings and their spouses. Each of these loving couples especially show examples of selflessness towards each other. They want to others comfort just as much or more than their own comfort. When I think of my own future family and relationship with my husband, I have a goal to be just as selfless as my family. That is how I define love.

Mothers

In chapter 9 verse 5 of the Book of Mormon it beautifully states a lesson of worth when it says, "Wherefore, do not spen money for that shich is of no worth, nor your laborfor that which cannot satisfy..." My own translation of these words is to not waist time and energy towardds something that is not of any value to your body or spirit. Some people think of that as being a mother. Mothers strive each day to help their children's lives be better often with no return. But, as a successful mother who loves her kids, she knows there is much in return. As a mother that puts all of her effort into loving her child or children, it gets hard, tiring, and very frustrating. in a video we watched for our class, a feminist women stated that women in the past were supposed to take care of the children and love it. When was taking care of children ever an easy task? I would  want to change what she said ans say that although having children is hard, there is love put into it because of the reward od seeing the child progress and the attachment from birth. Although she was talking about the role of a women, it still bothered me about the view he took on motherhood. Theodore Roosevelt once said, "Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty...I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life." Motherhood is worth it and brings so many useful life lessons and incomparable love.

The Possible

For our class we had to watch a few videos regarding social and economical class. I watched how people in different classes acted differently and had certain unspoken social rules that they followed. A man explained in one of the videos that it is pretty much impossible to change from one class to another. Why he said it was hard was because of the unspoken rules. They had to change the person they were and their personal habits. I do not entirely agree with him. Although, it may be hard, it is more possible than he said it was. It is only hard, in my opinion, if the person truly does not want to change who they are, but just want the lifestyle. There is a movie that I watched, that gives a good example of this called, "The Unsinkable Molly Brown". In this movie Molly was was raised in a little cabin that had a father and some rowdy boys. Molly dreamed of a different life though. She dreamed of the fancy life with bright colors and expensive furniture. Because of her dream she learned to read, write, and act like a lady. Although this example is not a true story, her ambition to have a better life lead her to completely changed how she acted and even looked. Ambition and faith in one's self, is ultimately what can make the change very possible and successful.

Different, But Good

As a younger person, I had collected some friends that I would do all my activities with. We all created our own dynamic within our own wonderful friendships. We had inside jokes together, liked the same things, and enjoyed each other's company. The thing I found the most strange though, as I got to know them more, was the dynamic of their families. I always viewed it, as a child, that they were MY friends and I had My family. It was strange entering their home and seeing what their lives were actually like. It brought me to understand more of who they were. I would observe how they interacted with their mom, dad, brothers, and sisters. Sometimes it would even bring connections in my brain as to why they did the things they did. Each family has a different family dynamic and each one functions a little different. As I observed these families, I have seen many things I want to implement into my future family and some things I would want to watch out for as well. I have learned much from these different dynamics. I have also learned that just because it is not what my family does, does not make is wrong. There are many good things about different families that are good and bad as well. I love learning about other family dynamics and hope to use the best of them all in my own future family.

Family = My Strength

In an article that we read for class it talks about the struggle immigrant families have and how it changes the family dynamic in a lot of ways after they come to America. A few ways it changes them is that they are unable to be as close with each other because of the lack of time spent with each other due to having to work, the addition of american cultures that is brought into the home simply by living in America which changes their own culture, and the stress that work brings to the family. One of those things I found very interesting and true was that their family became more separate because they each had to work and how the struggle came a lot from a disconnect of the whole family. Hispanics, it says in the article, are very family oriented and typically enjoy every second they have with each other. We learn in our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that families are very important and are the center of our gospel. This observation of Hispanics prove to me how important family is to them. At one point of the article a little girl is quoted explaining her sadness of the limited family time she has now that she is in America. She explains how when they were in Mexico, they did not have very much money, but they were happy because they had each other. She compared it to being in America and how she hardly ever gets to see her family which makes her heart very sad. Family is a beautiful thing and is a strength in my life as well. My family is very important to me. They always love me even when I might be bothersome or rude. As I have been at college I have noticed sometimes the conditional love people can have and how easily their love might be taken away because of a rude comment or the lack of doing the dishes. It makes me all that more grateful for the unconditional love my brothers, sisters, and parents have for me. I love families and I am happy I can be with mine forever.

Whatever it Takes

Something my teacher told us during class was that the average couples who are well on their way to divorce have 10 areas of incompatibility. On the flip side, he also said that the average of good happy couples have 10 areas of incompatibility. So really, what is the difference? The difference can be explained in many different ways. For me, I can observe my parents and see many qualities in their relationship that has kept them together overtime. Some things I have noticed are their willingness to forgive and apologize to each other, their open communication about everything (even saying that they missed each other) and their respect towards each other. These things I have noticed because they have been actively trying to perfect these traits for as long as I can remember. Lets say you are learning a new concept in your math class and it is pretty difficult. What will help you understand that problem more than continually repeating that equation until, finally, to your pleasure, you can do it without much thought at all. This, to me, is like anyone who wants to make a relationship successful. Like my parents, they continually try hard to forgive each other or tell each other that they love each other. So what makes the difference? In my opinion, hard work and dedication.

First Post!

Hello! I am starting this blog for the purpose of my family relations class. I also feel that this blog gives me an opportunity to express how important the family is to me. I am grateful for the "The Family: A Proclamation to the world" and the goal it sets for my future family and me. Feel welcome to comment and have a great day!